I have been in the process of being led by God to figure out where I am called to next. I started searching for a call over the last several months, knowing that graduation was ahead and my call to ordination meant that I would be seeking a church different from where I was currently serving. Through prayers and a few restless nights, I discerned that I needed to pick an end date at St. Andrews in order to fully focus on finding my next call. But it wasn't just that. My discernment and choice to say good-bye to St. Andrews before finding a taking a call elsewhere came from a few places.
1) I needed a healthy good-bye. I needed to shower my love on the people and be showered on in love by them. I needed the farewell to be joyous while knowing departing would be hard and very sad. I loved serving at St. Andrews for 3 years. I loved all ages of people and all the tasks that were set before me. I told them at the farewell luncheon that the countless hours would never be enough. I truly loved those people and I knew they loved me.
2) The church needed to be able to move on. We get so connected to our leaders. We fall in love with them and want to duplicate that love and place it on others. We, as people, feel abandoned, hurt, and afraid of what might come next. Because, let's be real, no one is ever like the predecessor. They needed a chance to start the process of calling the next Children and Youth Director and when they find that person, to be ready to extend that call and start the work. If I were sticking around until something better comes along then we would dance around each other trying not to hurt the others feelings. For either of us, missed chances, and the right person may not come along because we are too worried about finding a 'replacement' or 'carbon-copy' of the previous leader. The church needed a clear farewell so they can say hello with open arms.
3) I think the first two covered the reasons but a few implies more than two. Sabbath is another reason for finding that clear end date. Being able to completely separate from one call in order to leap into a new one. Being ready to say farewell to friends, place, and anything else requires some Sabbath. Many times, as leaders in the church, we forget what Sabbath might look like. Because we are shepherding others into finding rest and Sabbath for themselves. Sabbath doesn't just mean a break from worship or church life. But resting in God. Resting in God comes from worship, fellowship, and education. As church leaders however, we are constantly on during worship ready for the next step and thinking ahead instead of always being present in the worship moments. Sabbath for me in this time has been picking up a book about looking at scripture in other ways, through love. I have been reading Jake Meyers book, Making Love with Scripture. (Jake is a professor at Columbia Seminary). This book has been part of my Sabbath. I have been taking the time to soak it in and read it for myself, not because I'm in a class or a study. Sabbath also for me has been spending time with my family. My husband and son have been taking a long journey with me through waiting on marriage for three years and being married to/son of a stressed senior in seminary discerning what is next while finishing up.
So how is discernment worship?
Thanking God for the opportunity to discern. As much as the process for being an ordained PC(USA) minister is exhausting. I have told family, friends, and strangers the lengthy process towards becoming ordained, I get winded just thinking about it right now. But how wonderful that so many people are a part of the saying "YES! You are called, we affirm that calling, and we are with you on the journey." How wonderful that I gave myself the opportunity to study God's word in Greek and Hebrew, to debate theology, to stretch myself beyond Western thinking and to discover the many ways that God molds and utilizes our gifts in order to serve the kingdom. How amazing that I said yes to seminary after being fearful of what that might mean. Thank you God for the people in my journey that affirmed me and let me make those decisions to follow God's will on my time.
Pleading for God's help. Discernment process and the call process in the PC(USA) is a long road. Committees, Presbyteries, Pastors...oh my. I have spent a lot of time on my 'knees' (not really, that hurts) pleading for God's direction and guidance during this time. I have spent a lot of time in confession and intercession trying to figure out how to take each step of this process with grace, love, and joy. When a rejection comes, especially one that I feel would be a great fit, I am at a loss. I am hurt. But then through talking with others who are going through or have gone through the same process I remember that we are all discerning. Committees are doing their best to find the right person to come into their community of faith formation and worship and have a person in mind. I am also pleading for me to hear the right now, not just the convenient call. God is preparing a place for me somewhere. I need to be ready, but I also need to be patient. (WHAT IS PATIENCE? How can I plan for patience?) I am constantly in prayer that I not only find the right place for me but also the place where my family can flourish. Where my family will be welcomed in love. Where they see a future as much as I do.
Finally, discernment is worship because it is not done in a vacuum or alone. I cannot discern where God is calling me by myself. Just as no one person discerns the right person to be their pastor or associate pastor, it takes community. "For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them." (Matthew 18:20) Worship happens in communion with God and with others. Worship is intricate as well as simple. Worship is done with God as well as for God. Worship invokes and is desperate for the work of the Spirit not only to dwell but to invite and transform those who gather in God's name.
As I am still in the process and journey of discernment for a call to Associate Pastor (in some form) I know I am gathered with many who are discerning. Not just discerning a call to ordered ministry but discerning so many different types of decisions. God has been with us every step of the way, we just need to be open to what God is saying in a still, small voice, in a mighty wind, and everything in between.
Amen.
